"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in China because it is not found in a free state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun goes down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the legs of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Germinate: To become a German."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

Reasons why Men are better than Women.....

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Women are like guns: keep one around long enough and you're gonna to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's already been told twice!

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.... I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.... I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that permanently diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.... Wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....

The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then, God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to!!!

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Dad is it true, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't KNOW his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man placed an advert in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.... They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think that they are sexy.

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